Taking pleasure in small things

This week my lovely mentor Caroline blogged about why she gets so excited about 'little' things. I'm not going to paraphrase her moving words, if you haven't read the post and the lovely comments that followed then please do.

And it got me thinking. As parents of children with special needs, we too have to learn to celebrate the smallest of things. Son 2 should now be approaching his GCSE exams, yet as we sat in a meeting at his school yesterday, we were asked to celebrate the fact that, just occasionally, the teacher can get him to focus on a task for up to 30 minutes. He should be planning for sixth form and university, instead it was hinted that due to his lack of engagement he may not qualify for short term funding at a residential college when he leaves school, something on which I had been planning.

But hey, you know it's fine. Because ever since he was one we have had to adjust our expectations. We have learnt to take pleasure in his small successes. Every year he does make progress, even if it is entirely on his own terms. Before the meeting he had filled in a sheet, by selecting and sticking symbols, to tell us all what he likes at school and wants to do next year. He enjoys ICT and Food Technology. He wants to do yoga. All of this made perfect sense to us, they were clearly his own choices.

So at the end of the meeting we came out celebrating the fact that in his almost five years at that school he has made lots of progress. He might not, through his own choice, shine at English and Maths, but he is learning life skills which for him are far more important. As the formal part of his education draws to a close the school will be focusing more on getting him doing fun things in the community, something which he often finds rather scary.

We will all, school staff and family, continue to celebrate his every small achievement. It's something that perhaps only those parents who have been there can truly understand.

A visitor

The visit from the Department of Work and Pensions took place this afternoon and was relatively painless. The lady took one look at Son 2 and agreed that his disability benefit can continue to be paid into my bank account, no additional legal documentation is needed. I hope the transition will be painless and that they won't stop the next payment (due after his birthday) as the result of technicalities.

She also discussed what other benefits we might be eligible for since Hubby's redundancy, but I think we are already claiming everything we are entitled to, having already taken advice.

In other news, I am now going down with the dreaded cold, the last member of the family to succumb. I had really hoped I would escape it. And tomorrow Son 2 returns to school. Hooray!

Short but sweet

It's still half term for Son 2, who has a rotten cold, so I have little time to blog. But I just need to mention how much I loved these writing tips from the Guardian this weekend (don't forget part two here.)

Lots of common sense from successful writers there.

Sixteen

In the midst of all my editing and lots of other things going on, it almost escaped me that Son 2's birthday was rapidly approaching. In a couple of weeks he will be 16.

That will bring all kinds of changes. For a start the Department of Work and Pensions wants to know whether he can in future manage his own disability benefits. Well doh. He doesn't speak, read or write his own name. The answer is no. So next week they want to visit to check this out for themselves ( because obviously we are not to be trusted to act in his interests) and he has to be here. On what should have been his first day back at school.

This seems like last minute stuff, but to be fair to the DWP a meeting was originally arranged before Christmas but I had to cancel, as it turned out to be on the same day I needed to be at the hospital to find out if I had breast cancer (for new readers, I don't).

Later next week we have the annual review meeting at Son 2's school where no doubt his future will also be discussed. In September he will move up to the post-16 unit on a different site where he can stay until he is 19. With all the economic and political uncertainty in this country, it currently seems impossible to think much beyond that, but we will have to start.

Then yesterday I realised that he will most probably lose his regular holiday respite at a special needs playscheme, as he will be too old. That will be a huge gap to fill and I'm not at all sure there is anything suitable to replace it. We currently don't have a social worker but I think we might just need one now, though how much use one would be is debatable.

There are probably going to be a lot of changes for Son 2 this year and I just don't know how he will cope. Like many people with autism, he just doesn't do change. We may be in for a rocky ride.

Perfectionism

Yesterday I finished my first run through of the book. I've actually made quite a few changes. No major surgery, but lots of little tweaks and I know there will be many more to come. I've spotted a few inconsistencies, mainly caused by me fiddling a little with my original planned timeline part way through the first draft. I've tried to enhance the language a little.

All that has led to yet another major crisis of confidence. These seem to be happening roughly weekly at the moment, as I read through what I've written and think it's rubbish. Maybe that's one of the downsides of having studied creative writing, you actually have a good idea of what you are trying to achieve, even if you can't always put it into practice. Maybe it makes me too perfectionist.

Can you be too too perfectionist? I think possibly you can, because it can prevent you ever letting go of your work and sending it out into the big wide world. On the other hand, I keep telling myself this story has been a long time in the making, it is one which is intensely personal and I only have one shot with it. It deserves to be the best I can make it and that is a huge responsibility.

This morning I received a link to this article on editing, which I think I shall use in my next run through. It encapsulates so many of the things I already knew, all on one easy to check page.

So, today it will be back to the beginning. Eek.

Taking a break

No, not from here!

But I did take a break from my editing over the weekend. Partly because I had lots of other things to do, but also partly because I felt I needed to get a little distance from the novel. I've been making very good progress on this first run through, but that does mean I'm now editing sections I've written more recently, since I was ill last summer, so I've only had three or four months break from them. That should be enough, but is it?

My writing style changed a little as the novel progressed. I think in the early stages I was conscious of an OU tutor sitting on my shoulder and as a result the writing came out a little self conscious, over-written even. I hope that the tweaks I've made, initially after Caroline's edits and now in this full edit will improve the balance between the two halves of the book.

But I won't know until I get to the end.

Still

Yesterday I walked into a shop and this was playing. I had to just stand and listen until it had finished. So many memories - still.

(I love this longer album version)

Changes

It's been a strange week so far.

A meeting on Monday signalled the beginning of the end of something I've been involved with for 10 years, something I've worked at for love rather than money. I'm afraid I can't be more specific, but while I know that what is happening is for the best and was partially my own idea, the change inevitably brings sadness.

Added to that I have been hit hard with the realisation that I need to try to make a little money from my writing. Up to now I have only submitted very selectively on an occasional basis and mostly to non-paying markets, but once my novel editing is complete I really need to start trying to write for paying markets. In our current position every little bit of extra cash would help.

Just to add further to the joy I am suddenly feeling very fatigued today. Now this probably has something to do with the fact that Son 2 has got me out of bed between 5 and 6am every morning since Christmas, as some of my Twitter friends may have noticed. But severe fatigue is also a symptom of MS, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's just something an early night might help, rather than another new symptom to add to the leg spasms.

I'm just hoping that Friday won't bring any further changes...

Editing the novel

I'm well into my edits now. It's going to take a while, but I'm pleased with progress so far.

I have to admit that I enjoy editing. It is something that was drummed into us on the Open University creative writing courses and I do find the process of revision satisfying. Tweaking a sentence to make it flow better or replacing a single word with something even more suitable can be just as creative as getting the words down in the first place.

So I'm back at the beginning of the novel, working through chapters I wrote some time ago and can barely remember. I've had some pleasant surprises as well as finding parts which are not so good. For me the process of editing usually involves adding in more detail, so I'm inserting little flashes of description or dialogue. I have even, shock horror, deleted a whole paragraph which didn't quite fit.

This is a first run through to improve the flow of the language and boost the characterisation. Then I plan to start all over again to look at the timeline, plot and structure before going back to the language again.

So far, so good.

The mysteries of MS - 3

The leg spasms have not gone away, so on Monday I decided it was time to report them to the GP. My appointment was yesterday. As I thought, there is nothing much she could offer to help, other than advice to keep moving and stretching the leg, and to carry on as I have been with heat pads and hot drinks, which do help.

Any treatment plan is in the hands of my neurologist, who I'm not due to see again until June. The GP didn't feel the new symptom warranted bringing forward that appointment, which is, of course, good news. At present the consultant's plan is just to deal with individual symptoms if necessary as they arise.

The thing is that although there are some treatments to alleviate MS symptoms they are apparently not very pleasant. Even the first option, in the case of a big relapse, would be high dose steroids. I'm keen to remain unmedicated for as long as I
can and to just be careful with diet and exercise and look after myself to the best of my ability that way.

Then there is another mystery. It appears that there is a possibility that my MS may not be MS at all, but another disorder masquerading as MS.

I had a slightly abnormal blood test last summer, which the neuro wasn't too excited about. It was repeated in December but I've not yet heard the result. This may mean that it was normal or more likely the hospital have lost the results or screwed up the test yet again.

If the result of the first test is replicated then apparently the abnormality could be at least partially causing my MS symptoms. Or something like that. As the GP says nobody really knows what MS is or what causes it. It could be a number of underlying issues which all produce similar outcomes.

My MRI scan and other symptoms were certainly indicative of a diagnosis of MS, the brain lesions were clear on the scan. I suspect that if the blood irregularity does prove to be part of the cause, then the overall diagnosis won't change but maybe the treatment plan will. Haematologists will probably become involved as well as the neurologist and the MS nurse who I am due to see for the first time in April.

It's just a game of wait and see.

My celebrity lookalike

You know that celebrity doppelganger thing that is going around Facebook this week? Well I can't be bothered to change my picture there so I thought I'd put mine on here instead, for posterity.

Yes it's Sigourney Weaver, more specifically, Sigourney Weaver as she was in the late 1980's (think Gorillas in the Mist and Working Girl).

Now it is a little known fact that Hubby has always had a thing about Sigourney Weaver. So guess when we got married? Yep, 1988.

Shame that it didn't work both ways, I'd have loved to marry a George Clooney (or back then Harrison Ford) look alike...

Confession time

Confession one
This month has seen not just the start of a new decade for the world, but also a big half-century birthday for me. I am now officially old, as son 1 charmingly put it (though my lovely friends do tell me I look younger). So you'll have to forgive me if I occasionally fall into grumpy old woman mode...

Confession two
The rapid approach of the big birthday was one of the motivators in completing my first draft. But there was also another one, which I haven't discussed on here before. Just over a year ago I signed up to a mentoring package with a literacy agency.

Those of you who've been around here for a long time will know that I had hoped to go on to do an MA in Creative Writing after I'd finished my OU studies. But, being a carer, there were huge practical barriers to accessing a course and eventually I had to reconsider.

After talking to lots of people who had taken an MA or taught on an MA, I realised that I wasn't too bothered about the academic side, it was the high level support to complete a novel which attracted me most. I had some funding, thanks to an inheritance, but perhaps there were other ways of using it to achieve my aim of actually completing a novel. I was inspired by fellow Novel Racer JJ and started to look at literary agencies' mentoring packages.

That was when my fairy godmother appeared, with the timely launch by Caroline and Gary Smailes of BubbleCow. Many of my readers will already know Caroline and her fiction and I immediately recognised that she would 'get' the structure and themes of the novel I was hoping to write. I begged her to personally mentor me and she has been quietly working with me ever since, editing each section as I wrote it.

I haven't written about this before because there were times, especially last year when my health collapsed in such a spectacular fashion, that I really wasn't sure I was ever going to make it to the end of the novel and all her work could have been in vain. But Caroline waited for me to return and now we're on the final editing stages. I'm even starting to think about my synopsis and submission letter.

For me the mentoring has been a huge success, it has sorted out the problems I already knew existed but hadn't known how to tackle, it has identified other aspects of writing longer work that I hadn't even thought about and it has left me with a first draft in pretty good shape, to now hone during my edit. Caroline has patiently put up with all my angst about where my book stood on the literary/commercial spectrum, something which has actually changed even during the writing. Most importantly of all, my writing has improved a lot.

I'm planning to have my full edit off to her by the end of March.

The mysteries of MS - 2

Do you remember that I wrote about how the cold weather seemed to affect my MS?

Well for the last few days I've been feeling worse. The feeling of heavy legs turned into an intermittent very painful stiffness down the side of my right leg. I could feel the knots of tension in the muscle.

I suffered for a few days before deciding what to do. A long hot bath seems to temporarily ease the pain, so the cold weather seemed to be a logical guess for the cause. I'm now wearing two pairs of socks to try and keep my feet and lower legs warm and increasing the heat at home. By this morning the pain seemed to have moved from my knee area to my ankle and at the moment it seems to have gone altogether.

The only other time I've had such severe spasmodic pain was last summer, during my first big relapse. So I'm left wondering if I'm in the throes of another relapse, if there is more to come? Or did I just physically overdo it during a very busy week last week?

Either way I took a couple of days off writing and editing and have just had a very gentle return to the novel today.

Poetry Live for Haiti

For anyone in or near London, who hasn't already heard about this event on 30th January, these are the details as sent out by The Poetry Society:

The Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy and Poetry Live have invited 20 of our leading poets to perform at Westminster Central Hall on Saturday January 30th 2010 at 2.30pm in a fundraising event for the people of Haiti.

Poets include Carol Ann Duffy, Roger McGough, Andrew Motion, John Agard, Dannie Abse, Brian Patten, Gillian Clarke, Imtiaz Dharker, Grace Nichols, Elaine Feinstein, Daljit Nagra, Ian Duhig, Lachlan Mackinnon, Owen Sheers, Glyn Maxwell, Jo Shapcott, Robin Robertson, Colette Bryce, Maura Dooley and Robert Minhinnick, along with the musicians John Sampson and Andy Roberts.

Tickets are £10. Telephone 01497 822629 or go to www.poetryliveforhaiti.org to book tickets.

Tickets will be available at the door on the day for cash only.

All proceeds will go to the Disasters Emergency Committee’s Haiti Earthquake Appeal.

Five things I have learnt...

...while writing my first draft.

1. It is far too easy to get very bogged down in a section you know isn't working as it should. Move on and come back to it at the editing stage. 80,000 words is an achievable target, but not if you constantly rewrite the same part.

2. Some of my best writing has come early in the morning, when nobody else is up. I've never followed Julia Cameron's idea of morning pages, mainly for practical reasons...I like my sleep and I have children to get off to school. There simply was never time. But recently I've been naturally waking early and switching on the laptop. Often the words have flowed and have been better than the sections over which I had laboured.

3. If a scene comes to you out of sequence, write it anyway. I woke up one morning with one scene very clear in my mind. I expanded and wrote it straight away in a separate document, then found it provided all the motivation I needed for my hero and powered the rest of the plot.

4. The characters really do tell you their story. I started off knowing the beginning and end of the plot and a couple of turning points in the middle. The rest came organically as the characters developed further.

5. It's good to fall in love with your main characters. It brings them alive.

Love is everything

I love, love, love this song.

I found this original Jane Siberry version by accident, when searching YouTube for the k.d.lang version which I have on my mp3 player. I've listened to it so many times since then, whilst writing the novel.

More on Haiti

I've just read this and found it very moving.

When words are not enough...

Sometimes things happen which change our view of life.

They make us appreciate that the things which annoy us about this country are not so troublesome after all, that we have so much, when others have nothing. They make us appreciate our lives, whatever sadnesses we may have.

Although I'd obviously heard of Haiti, I have to admit that until last week I knew nothing about it, geography never having been my strong point at school. Now I feel I know almost more than I want to about a nation which is suffering so badly. For every triumphant rescue of a child, there are countless losses of life and unless food, water and shelter are urgently provided, there will be many, many more.

Please, if you can, donate something to help the survivors of the devastating earthquake in Haiti.

I have news

I have finished my first draft today.

It has come in fractionally under the 80,000 words I was aiming for, but I am not concerned, as my editing processes almost always require the addition rather than subtraction of words.

The hard work of polishing it begins now.

Should have kept my mouth shut

Right, so my post yesterday jinxed the weather and now we are back to this.

No school transport, cars sliding in the road outside, the garden inches deep in the white stuff again.

I had a good writing day yesterday, but after writing 500 words early this morning I have reached something of a standstill. I need my characters to tell me what they do next, so I can rejoin the race towards the finish line.