Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Do you believe in karma?

I don't. That's just as well, because if I did I would be seriously worried about what I could have done in a past life to deserve all the bad things that have hit us in the last twelve months.

The latest is a potentially very difficult problem with the ageing parents. Now I know that many people of my age are starting to face such challenges, but let me put it all into context.

I grew up in a small town in a beautiful but very isolated part of the country. We had to travel fifty miles by road to find a large hospital or decent shopping. There were few employment opportunities except farming or seasonal tourism, so it was inevitable that most sixth formers went off to university and never returned. Although my parents moved closer to civilisation on retirement, they are still about 200 miles away from both me and my sister and I only see them briefly once a year. For a number of reasons we don't have a close relationship.

But now they are struggling and they are turning to me (and my sister) for help. The sort of practical help they have never offered to us. Distance and my own circumstances mean that I can offer little day to day assistance, except finding things out and making phone calls if necessary. But I'm already feeling guilty about that, because I think they will be expecting much more. I have noted the comments that they have made in the past about other families in a similar position.

I'm planning a visit in September and will need to be on standby in case a real emergency occurs, but my health and own family have to come first. There is no point suggesting to my parents that they move closer to me, as my mother has always hated London with a passion and anyway they have many friends where they are. They live near to where my father grew up, it is his part of the world. I'm sure they will stay there, by the sea.

And in amongst all this I am slowly losing my mother, at far too young an age, to a cruel disease. Perhaps it is no coincidence that a complicated and difficult mother-daughter relationship is central to my plans for novel two.

7 comments:

Chris Stovell said...

Cathy, I was very moved by your post which struck a chord for me because I'm also too far away from my mother to offer the day-to-day help I'd like. It's not my place to tell you not to feel guilty, but it would seem to me that you are doing what is best for your family. Don't beat yourself up. Cx

Cathy said...

Thanks Chris. I suppose I feel more guilty because my mother did a lot for her parents, but they lived just a mile away. The good thing is they could afford to buy in help, but they are probably too stubborn to do so. x

Amanda said...

Ageing parents are such a difficult dilemma. A beautiful post, Cathy. Keep strong. X

sharry said...

Thanks for this very inspiring sharing, Cathy.I can't say I am the best nor the worst daughter you could ever meet and this gave me a realization that I have to start showing my folks how much I value them while I still can. Keep posting, dear Catherine.

sharry said...

Thanks for this very inspiring sharing, Cathy.I can't say I am the best nor the worst daughter you could ever meet and this gave me a realization that I have to start showing my folks how much I value them while I still can. Keep posting, dear Catherine.

Cathy said...

Thanks, Amanda and sharry.

Miriam Drori said...

I also feel guilty - about my brother, who has done all the work. He lives closer than I do, although he's also very far away, and he's much better than I am at handling it all.