A double tragedy

For a week now I've been meaning to write something about the tragic deaths of Heather Wardle and her disabled son James Hughes. But to be honest I wasn't sure what to write. We can't be certain exactly what happened and in fact we may never know.

Reading about James, hearing of the tributes from his birth father and former headmaster, I was reminded of a less able version of son 2 (who is 14 but functions largely at the level of a 4-5 year old). The whole story seemed too close to home for someone who is already having to start thinking about what might happen to their extremely vulnerable child when he leaves school.

But others have written movingly on the case and their own personal experiences of parenting a disabled child. Between them they have said everything I wanted to and more. Please, please read Claire Bates, Nuala Gardner and Christopher Stevens.

Three notable things:

1. I enjoyed a trip into London for my tutorial on Saturday and even managed to avoid the temptations of Waterstones...

2. Son 2 has, for the last two days, decided that his day should begin at 5am. So mine does too.

3. Son 1 came home with a nasty cold this weekend. Just what we all need!

Meme part 2

The lovely and talented Sarah Salway has tagged me for a meme. I've actually already done this one here but hey, it is the sort that can have many answers, so here goes again:

Rules:
Link to the person that tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

1. I have a rare genetic condition that means that I need a lot of dental work and my toenails are weird.

2. I am an enthusiast, I throw myself wholeheartedly into new projects and hobbies.

3. I qualified as a Chartered Accountant even though I was by no means guaranteed a pass in my 'O' Level Maths exam at school.

4. On holiday I like to head for galleries, museums and shops...

5. Although I grew up in a rural area, I am a city girl at heart.

6. At university I studied German, French, Italian and Dutch to varying levels. Luckily the Russian Literature course was in translation.

I think most people have already done this one, so I'm not going to tag anyone, if you'd like a(nother) go, feel free.

Three notable things:

1. At the bus stop last Saturday, a man asked me if I spoke French. When I replied 'un peu', he handed me a Jehovah's Witness Watchtower magazine in French...

2. My mark for the OU assignment I did during the height of the crises was very acceptable, even if not quite as good as my first one. I just feel proud to have completed it.

3. Son 2's school was unaffected by the teacher's strike today, thank goodness.

A new term starts...

School was back today, so I am trying to have a quiet day as I feel quite stressed. This always happens at the end of a school holiday, after being on full alert for a couple of weeks I find I just need a day to chill, and I try to make allowance for that in my plans.

Son 1 came home for much of the weekend. It was lovely to have him back, though I think in the end he was glad to be able to escape from the noise and chaos of home and go back to to see the new friends he is making in the hospital.

I've got some reading to catch up on for my OU course and any idea of writing has to be pushed to one side until that is done, as there is another assignment looming. I am enjoying the course, but there is a lot of information to take in and understand. If it all seems too much, I just have to remind myself that I am doing this because I want to, rather than because I have to, and that therefore I could stop at any time. That thought usually boosts me to carry on regardless, because I am not easily beaten!

Three notable things:

1. A rather strange lady was checking through our wheelie bins yesterday, supposedly in search of her mother's handbag which had been stolen by a con man.

2. I only managed to read son 2's school report for last term this morning...it was excellent.

3. My father seems to be making good progress.

Brain dead

I can't think of anything to write about this week. I'm not sure if that is due to some medication I'm on, or whether it is the school holiday effect or just blogger's block.

I've been trying to read, but can't concentrate. Son 2 is testing my patience to its limits at times.

What's new?

Three notable things:

1. I picked up a review copy of Lullabies for Little Criminals by Heather O'Neill, shortlisted this week for the Orange Prize, for just £1.99 in a charity shop yesterday.

2. The sun is shining today, highlighting the new green leaves on our apple tree.

3. We have been considering some home improvements and Hubby has given me the go-ahead to get some quotes.

A sombre day

Hubby has gone to the family funeral today, picking up Son 1 on the way and taking him too. It will be a long day, with a lot of driving, but it has to be done.

I have managed to fritter away most of my spare time while Son 2 is at playscheme today, even though I had intended to do some reading and studying. Instead I have been replying to emails, updating bookersatz and paying for eBay purchases of DVDs for Son 2 who is able to destroy a disc almost as easily as a tape...

Three notable things:

1. My boys have grown up watching Mark Speight on TV. What a tragedy.

2. I had both my babies here. I guess I was one of the lucky ones...

3. The London Book Fair is on this week. I would so love to be able to visit it one day.

Getting back on track

Things are calming down a little.

Son 1 finally seems settled in his new hospital, though it was a rocky road at the start. My father has had his angioplasty and is back home. The family funeral is next Monday but I won't be going, as I have Son 2 to care for and it will still be school holidays.

So back to the writing, in thought if not in action quite yet. Remember I told you that I found another OU course I am interested in? Well it is this one.

I am interested in it for two reasons. Partly because I have many years of working in a support role in the voluntary sector, although with no formal training. I don't, however, have ambitions to be a counsellor myself, though I believe (and know from personal experience) that the work they do is very valuable.

But I would like to be able to one day combine my voluntary experience with my writing, to explore the use of creative writing as a means of expression for the everyone, including the vulnerable. A couple of friends have just taken an introductory counselling course at a local college and one intends to go on to a counselling degree. I had already decided that I would be interested in doing the short course once I had finished at the OU, but this course would serve the same purpose and give me hopefully enough points to complete a degree.

Afterwards I might even apply for this...

Three notable things:

1. I finally got Son 2's replacement Blue Badge yesterday (we were late applying for the renewal). The Council is becoming increasingly strict due to the widespread misuse of the scheme and no longer sends them out by post...

2. I have done no studying at all this week due to the school holiday and everything else going on.

3. The central locking on my car is playing up. Again. But last time it inexplicably put itself right, so I'll just wait and see. I need the car all next week anyway.

Another update

It's all happening here.

Step-father-in-law passed away last Thursday and Mother-in-law is very confused. Her future is still be sorted but Brother-in-law is with her this week.

My own father is still in hospital, but will hopefully have a procedure today and then perhaps go home tomorrow.

Son 1 is to be moved to a new hospital this afternoon due to funding issues. It is another private clinic, but the one where our local NHS Trust has a contract and where he would have originally been placed had there been a free bed. He was not at all happy about the decision and initially threatened to discharge himself, but has now agreed to go, so hopefully the transfer will take place shortly. It is a shame as he had settled really well where he was, but at the same time it was not unexpected. Just another source of stress for his poor long suffering parents as the phone calls have been flying around today!

Three notable things:

1. There was an interesting blog tour visit by author Orna Ross to Caroline's blog yesterday. If you didn't make it, the questions and answers (in the comments box here) are well worth reading.

2. I had a light bulb moment on Saturday when I found the perfect new short course to finish my OU degree, which I hope to take alongside the Advanced Creative Writing in the autumn. It would fit in so well with my future hopes and plans for my writing. But more about that another time...

3. I've finally managed to update bookersatz today, after a rather hectic few days...

An update

Son 1 is enjoying his hospital stay! Of course being a private clinic the facilities are somewhat superior to the NHS. Today he phoned home to ask us to bring in swim gear and shorts for the gym...

Mother-in-law has been assessed and hopefully some home care will be put in place shortly. It is highly unlikely her husband will return home.

Father is still in hospital having tests for probable blocked arteries. Best case prognosis is medication, worst case bypass operation.

Three notable things:

1. I've completed my assignment and emailed it to my tutor today, as well as reporting our difficult circumstances. It's probably a load of rubbish, but hey ho!

2. It was World Autism Day yesterday. This sort of passed me by, but thanks to Casdok today I found this list of famous people and fictional characters suspected of being on the spectrum. It's interesting because the Google search which most often brings people to my blog is for 'celebrities and autism'...

3. Last day of school for son 2 tomorrow before a two week break for the 'Easter' holiday. I still can't my head around how weird it has all been this year with Easter so early.

Crisis? What Crisis?

What I didn't mention yesterday is that Son 1 is not the only member of the family in hospital.

200 miles away my Dad is in hospital having tests for chest pains...not the first time this has occurred, but last time no cause was discovered. I only learned about this yesterday although he was rushed to hospital in the middle of last week.

Then in a completely different part of the country there are complicated issues with the in-laws. Step-father-in-law is in hospital, mother-in-law is very confused and needs help but so far won't accept it.

A triple whammy.

Three notable things:

1. I forgot to mention that I hosted my second coffee morning at Novel Racers on Friday.

2. I still have that pesky assignment to finish...but I have been granted a seven day extension if I need it.

3. Son 1 seems to be OK so far.

Crisis

Urgh. Son 1 had a crisis on Friday, or rather one had been building up, slowly but surely for a month. On Friday he realised he couldn't go on, he finally admitted (to a good friend of mine) that he needed serious help and was willing to be admitted to hospital in order to get that.

She immediately took action, we all ended up at the hospital and six stressful hours later, son 1 was found a place at an adolescent psychiatric unit in Central London. It is in a private clinic used by the stars, but is being paid for by the NHS, so how long he will be able to remain there is questionable, still at least for now he is safe and we can relax a little more in that knowledge.

There is a real lack of hospital facilities for children and adolescents with mental health problems. At first they tried to have him admitted to the local children's ward but, because they would have had to hire trained mental health nurses to be with him there 24/7, the consultants refused to have him. Our local children's mental health team works 9-5, Monday to Friday, with virtually no emergency cover even in those hours, so when something like this happens the child is assessed by the adult services based at the hospital. Although son 1 is 16, all were thankfully agreed that placement on the adult ward would be highly unsuitable.

So, we wait for tomorrow, and the return of his own local consultant to find out what the future holds...

Three notable things:

1. I bought myself a bright new handbag yesterday. Well, what else is a girl supposed to do in a time of crisis?

2. Son 2 hardly seems to have noticed his brother's absence. After all, Son 1 did spend most of his time in his bedroom...

3. ...talking of which we are in the process of cleaning out and fumigating said bedroom!

Easter blues

Well what a miserable weekend of snow, sleet and freezing cold...

At least it gave us an excuse to chill out at home and do very little other than eat chocolate and occasionally go shopping!

Three notable things:

1. I am Brain Training on a Nintendo DS Lite. I started off with a brain age of 60, argh!

2. I am still struggling wih my assignment and waiting for that lightbulb moment.

3. This website is frankly scary. Is this what they call post-feminism?

Easter arrives

So, Easter weekend is here.

It seems weird not having Easter in the middle of a school holiday. Son 2 is totally confused, however much we tell him that there is no school today (or Monday), he keeps putting his coat and school bag ready by the front door.

Son 1 is sleeping a lot after having something of a setback over the last few weeks and me, well I've got to go to Tesco today. I've also got a tricky assignment to start to write and I'm floundering...

Three notable things:

1. Coffee with a foster carer friend yesterday, when we had a very interesting conversation about the difficulties of finding local foster carers for disabled kids, inspired by my reading of When the Bough Breaks. She is going to take some of what we discussed back to the Local Authority.

2. We have too much chocolate in the house. But it is well hidden, I hope!

3. I'm hosting the coffee break over at Novel Racers today.

Writing as therapy

Someone suggested to me last week that perhaps I had started studying creative writing in order to find expression for some of the stresses in my life which would otherwise remain bottled up. Actually I started writing seriously at a time when life was as stable as it gets here, and it was just a way of being able to fulfil a very longheld ambition.

But having now read When the Bough Breaks by Julia Hollander, I can see that writing the book must have been cathartic for her. A means of trying to justify to herself the decision to abandon her profoundly disabled daughter in hospital at the age of five months, as soon as a formal diagnosis was received. I can't imagine why else she wrote the book, as neither she nor her partner are portrayed in a very sympathetic manner. In publishing this memoir she has opened up to very public media scrutiny an area of their lives which perhaps should have been kept behind closed doors for now, if only for the sake of their other young children.

It is a very well written book, but an uncomfortable read, which at times is all too brutally honest. I'm not judging her actions, she was clearly unwell and under great stress with little support and none of us can second guess how we might have reacted in that situation. After all, unconditional parenting does not come naturally to everyone.

I have to admit though, that the only thing that made me read to the end was the fact that I know there is a happy ending for Hollander's daughter Imogen. For Julia Hollander herself, however, I'm not so sure.

Three notable things:

1. I bought three tops for £9 in the M&S sale yesterday. Two I love, one I'm slightly less sure of, but what a bargain!

2. The French Market was in town. It is always fun to browse around, even in the rain.

3. I've pre-booked for the new level three OU Advanced Creative Writing course which starts in the autumn.

Silence broken

Sorry about the silence. It is turning out to be 'one of those weeks', I've got a lot on my mind and I can't think of anything much to write about.

So for now here are

Three notable things:

1. I got my OU assignment back yesterday. To say I was pleased would be an understatement.

2. My friend Andrea in Australia has set up a new blog. Go and visit her at Don't Spare me the Details, she is great writer, especially about life with her autistic son.

3. There are two new reviews and some book news over on bookersatz this week. Please keep visiting, commenting and contributing reviews, we need your help to make it a success.

Care controversy

This book, When the Bough Breaks by Julia Hollander, has been causing a lot of controversy on the web in the last week. The story of a mother who gives her profoundly disabled baby up into foster care, it was done no favours by a distinctly sensationalist feature in the Mail on Sunday last week.

To be honest I wasn't going to read the book because it feels far too close to home. I know a little about Julia's daughter Immie and there is absolutely no doubt that she is in a very loving and caring foster environment where she is thriving. Julia and her partner were also lucky that such a suitable carer was available in their own county so they could keep close contact with Immie. That wouldn't necessarily be the case everywhere.

But deep down I do have some slight misgivings. Giving away a disabled child so young could send the wrong message to her siblings. No one has a right to a 'perfect' child, it is a risk that is taken with every pregnancy. Even children who seem healthy can later become disabled by accident or illness. If that should happen to one of Immie's siblings, or if they should go off the rails in adolescence, what would the parents do?

I didn't expect to be a carer to both my children as teenagers. But if son 1 had already seen us put son 2 into care, would he have worried that we would do the same to him when he had his breakdown? Fighting for both of them has worn me down, has affected my own mental and physical health. But I wouldn't have done otherwise. Son 2 has made progress beyond all expectations and we have so far managed to keep son 1 out of psychiatric hospital. For me that is reward enough and yes, I too have had to have counselling because I felt that I was not a 'good enough' mother.

As I said, I wasn't going to read the book. But having now read a much more balanced feature in The Guardian and knowing the background that I do, I've changed my mind. Unlike many of the commenters on the web, I will not judge Julia Hollander's actions until I have read her whole story.

Three notable things:

1. A tutorial in London yesterday gave me a chance to browse in the Gower Street Waterstones, where I purchased this book.

2. I finally managed to get a piece of work together to submit to the bloggers' War Child anthology. In the end I edited a piece from some life writing I did on my OU writing course two years ago. I was surprised at how much rewriting I needed to do, a sign I think of the improvement in my writing.

3. I caught up with an old friend for coffee on Friday.

Growing up

With two teenagers in the house this subject is on my mind quite a lot at the moment. So I just wondered, when do you think you grew up? Or perhaps you still haven't?

For me I think it happened overnight when I was 31. The night son 1 was born, very unexpectedly and six weeks early, after an almost trouble free pregnancy. At six o'clock in the evening I was innocently watching TV as my waters broke. By six o'clock the next morning I was the mother of a baby struggling for life in intensive care. He spent six weeks in total in special care before we could take him home.

Life was never the same again.

Three notable things:

1. Son 2 is 14 today.

2. Son 1 has been suffering very badly from anxiety for the last week. We know why and it was expected, but it will still be a big challenge for him to overcome his fears.

3. I have finished the end of course project for one of my OU courses today, so now I just have one course to concentrate on. Hooray!

Happy Mother's Day

Casdok gave this to me recently and I hadn't yet passed it on. So here, on Mother's Day in the UK, is a gift for all my blog readers and especially those of you who are mothers yourselves.

Three notable things:

1. Alex has set up a blog dedicated to bookcases. Enjoy.

2. Bookersatz now has four reviews. All contributions welcomed.

3. I have quite a busy week ahead, including son 2's birthday. Must get organised!

Introducing bookersatz

I've taken on a new project. It was my idea, triggered by something I read on a forum, but I knew I couldn't do it on my own, so I enlisted some support. A brand new book blog, bookersatz, of which I am co-editor.

The aim is to have a book blog which reflects the reading tastes of all its contributors, with reviews ranging over over a wide range of genres and forms. Novels, short stories, poetry and non-fiction, we hope to have them all eventually. Our other aim is to encourage people to discuss the books through the comments function, to make it like a mini ongoing book group. We are all busy people, we don't necessarily have time to read books at a specific time. But we can all log onto a blog, look for a book that appeals, read it and then eventually pop back and add to the discussion. Or that is the theory, anyway.

Now this is where you all come in. Anyone is welcome to contribute a short book review, ideally 200-300 words, but up to 500 if needed. We have drawn up some basic guidelines for contributors, so if you are interested just email me (there is an email link in my Blogger profile). You will get a name credit on any review published on the blog, unless you want to stay anonymous, but that name could easily be your blog name with a link to your blog if you prefer. We want to know which books you have enjoyed.

And please, please, come and add to the discussion...

Three notable things:

1. The closing deadline for the War Child anthology has been extended to 9th March, to my relief. But they are asking for more funny pieces *sigh*. I don't do funny.

2. Son 2 went back to school today, but his bus was 30 minutes late arriving...

3. Son 1 had to say goodbye to yet another therapist today. We are anticipating a few potentially difficult weeks ahead.

Tempus fugit

Sometimes I wonder where the time goes. During school holidays I get quite disorientated, the days merge into each other and I come out the other end wondering what I have done with my time. The answer is usually nothing much.

Half term for son 2 is officially over, but he now has three consecutive inset days so won't actually be returning to school until Thursday. He is bored. When he is bored he is hard work. So that is where my time has gone...

Three notable things:

1. I spent a Waterstones gift voucher on Saturday on the 3 for 2 offer...

2. I still haven't managed to write anything for a War Child anthology submission and I really want to be able to send something off.

3. I have had no opportunity to study, so will need to have a catch up session when school restarts.

Another charity book

I've just realised that I forgot to tell you about this, though you may well have read about it elsewhere. Anyway, it's not too late to send in a submission, entries will close at the end of February. I think I will have a go, if I can squeeze it in when son 2 returns to school next Thursday.

A small team, led by peach, is putting together a bloggers charity book to raise funds for War Child. Full details of the project and how to submit your work can be found here.

Three notable things:

1. Spent the day filling out disability benefit forms for son 1. Yawn.

2. Son 2 is in mischievous mood.

3. A neighbour has visibly lost weight since being banned from driving...