Small stone - 17th January

I push the tiny white tablet from the foil wrapping and, for the first time, swallow it with my toast. The day is spent in anticipation, hoping that the drug will make a difference but worrying about the clumsiness of my hands. Is it all in my mind?

Small stone - 16th January

Despite cough and temperature he uses every remaining ounce of energy on the trampoline. A sound of dull thudding, punctuated with laughter, fills the room.

Small stone - 15th January

The spiral crazing of the vandalised shop window reminds me of an ammonite. Two empty shells separated by an eternity.

Small stone - 14th January

A sudden craving for chocolate sends me scurrying the newsagent. Hidden within a double-pack of glossy magazines is the perfect-sized small bar of bubbly sweetness. I can't wait to get home.

My Kindle - four months on

I was lucky enough to get a Kindle soon after they were launched in the UK, so have had a few months now to use and assess it. The considered verdict is that I still love it. Initially I was unsure about how I would enjoy reading on screen, but I find it very easy on the eyes, in fact I think I actually read faster on the Kindle than I do from a paperback book.

One of the downsides of reading on the Kindle is that, unlike printed material, VAT is charged on ebooks and the VAT rate has just gone up to 20%. Partially perhaps as a result of the tax anomaly, Kindle books are in most cases not much cheaper than their paper versions, despite the fact that no trees were killed in their production. Ebooks do, of course, have fixed editorial and set-up costs, but most of the variable costs, other than royalties, of printing and distributing a physical book are lost, so I don't really understand why there isn't a bigger discount.

For anybody existing on a very low fixed income, the cost of even a paperback book has to be a seriously considered purchase nowadays. I'm therefore taking full advantage of free Kindle books and low cost promotions, such as the selection of books for £1 each Amazon offered over Christmas, but my purchase of regular priced books has not increased too much, despite the undoubted convenience of the one-click Kindle store. I have to restrain myself.

A huge benefit of the Kindle is the ability to download free samples of books. I have over a hundred on my Kindle now. Some of these samples are of books I would like to buy or borrow from the library one day, a digital wish list, if you like. Some are for reference, to enable me, as a writer, to analyse the first few pages of a book I don't really want to read in its entirety, just as I sometimes do in my local library. Some samples I just download for curiosity's sake and fairly quickly delete from the Kindle. I have already downloaded a couple of books just on the basis of having been totally hooked by the sample, Sarah Rayner's One Moment, One Morning being one of these.

I find it hard now to remember what reading was like before I had the Kindle. It could never totally replace printed books, as its back and white screen cannot translate illustrations and photographs well, but I do find it easy and convenient for fiction and some nonfiction. I also use it to store some personal documents, such as lists and pdf crochet patterns, though I haven't yet dared put my novel on it!

I'm a total convert to digital books, with the proviso that I will still buy physical books too. Best of both worlds, really.

Small stone - 13th January

Sometimes it takes far too many paralysing hours of heartache to realise that the problem is not yours, but theirs.

Small stone - 12th January

Patients wait, coughing, wheezing.
Head buried in book
I need to relax but can't.

Small stone - 11th January

It won't change anything, but the chat with like-minded friends over lunch is so absorbing that we are the last to leave the restaurant.

Small stone - 10th January

I am reminded just in time to switch on the slow cooker. By the time they all arrive home the smell of simple home cooking gives the false impression that I am a domestic goddess.

Small stone - 9th January

Hours later some blades of grass still appear frosted with icing sugar.

Small stone - 8th January

The automatic door is broken. A salesman stands nearby and, with a smile, holds it open for the lady whose walker is loaded with carrier bags.

Small stone - 7th January

The rain falls heavily and steadily, wrapping the city in a cloud of grey depression.

Small stone - 6th January

The warmth envelopes me like a security blanket, numbing my senses. Only when I step outside do I feel truly alive.

The fear

Sometimes the fear gets to me. The fear of whether this is it, whether we have actually achieved all we are going to in our lives. The fear of how we are going to support ourselves financially up to and beyond retirement. The fear that with the savage cuts in services that are taking place there will be no appropriate care and support for son 2 when he leaves school and home. The fear that son 1 is never now going to have the opportunities that we had.

Most of the time I try to keep the fear at bay. I keep writing and hoping. I grab at occasional small ad-hoc work opportunities which arise and I tell myself we are lucky, we are not in debt and having a severely disabled child at home does bring in a reasonable level of disability benefits and child tax credits. Most are probably not so fortunate.

Recently Hubby met up with some old friends, there were four men in total in their mid-fifties through to early sixties. All are now sadly unemployed and of them only Hubby is signing on, even though he no longer gets Job Seeker's Allowance. If this situation is typical then unemployment figures must be seriously understated and there could be many people just scraping by on the savings they were wise enough to make in better times, not wanting to suffer the indignity of the Job Centre.

I know so many others whose jobs are currently under threat. When I wake early, suffering palpitations, I tell myself we are not alone. No one is safe any more.

Small stone - 5th January

The squirrel crashes in a hyperactive manner around the garden, as if he has eaten too much Christmas chocolate.

Small stone - 4th January

The delivery men are polite and efficient as they install our new laundry machines and take away the old ones on a bank holiday. I sigh with relief at finally being able to bury my nose once again in lavender-scented fresh washing.

Research

Nicola Morgan has just written a great blog post about research.

Research is important for book two which, although set in the present, has flashback sections to a couple of important and sensitive historical events. I've been tying myself in knots trying to research these so as not to get it wrong, not to offend anyone.

But I can see now that this fear is preventing me getting the story down and a first draft written. I know enough to do that without the detailed research, which can come later. I must no longer use the need to research as an excuse.

For me today is the start of a new writing year. Thank you, Nicola, for reminding me what I should do.

Small stone - 3rd January

Flashes of electric-blue
as the jay branch hops
in skeletal giant pear.

Small stone - 2nd January

Rapid flutter of my heart
wakens me like a
trapped butterfly in panic.

Small stone -1st January

As lips struggle to express all
the thoughts in my head
it's a sign to stop and stare.