I suppose I am starting to get my brain into drama mode in preparation for my Open University Start Writing Plays course which begins in October. Anyway I was fascinated to read this piece about Arthur Miller in The Times.
I vaguely remember reading somewhere before, probably in an obituary, that Miller had a son with Down's Syndrome. I hadn't, however, realised the whole sad story. Although it was much more common to institutionalise disabled children back in the 1960's and earlier, Miller's disownment of his son and treatment of his wife, who wanted to keep the child at home, do seem rather callous.
His reasoning was that he didn't want his daughter, Rebecca, to grow up with a 'mongoloid' brother. Actually, being a sibling of a disabled child need not be all bad. Sure, some siblings have issues, as do any children. In my experience, however, many siblings grow up to be more mature and empathetic than average and a surprising number of them actually go on to work in caring professions.
But serious sibling issues are also going to be raised in Coming Down the Mountain, a new drama by Mark Haddon , which is due to air on Sunday on BBC1. Although I loved Haddon's novel, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, I don't think I will watch the film, it just might be too close to home for comfort right now.
It is good to read that in fact it was the husband of Rebecca Miller, Daniel Day-Lewis, who may well have been instrumental in Miller's acceptance of his disabled son at the end of his life and that the son in question, also called Daniel, appears to have grown up to have some success and independence in adulthood. One just wonders what he might have achieved with the support of a loving family in his early years.
Three notable things:
1. The scarf I am knitting is growing and growing...
2. Spotting a solitary and rather over-fed magpie sitting on the garden fence and not forgetting to say 'hello Mr Magpie'!
3. A neighbour doing some gardening for us in return for the pristine bike we gave his son whilst clearing out our garage.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Parenting matters
I was flicking through our newspaper yesterday when my eye was caught by this interview with Dr Tanya Byron, about why she no longer wants to make TV programmes about parenting.
I have to admit that I have enjoyed watching some of her programmes such as House of Tiny Tearaways, as she has always struck me as a professional with a lot of common sense and empathy. But at the same time I can see the point that some parenting programmes can become rather voyeuristic, in the same manner as shows like those of Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer.
Of course there have always been childcare gurus...my mother was led by Dr Benjamin Spock, I had books by Penelope Leach and Dr Miriam Stoppard. But the amount of parenting advice that is out there now seems excessive. I'm sure there are far more parenting magazines than there were ten years ago and when you add in TV programmes is it any wonder that parents get confused?
Personally, I believe that successful parenting comes from a mix of common sense and listening to your own instincts. There can be no overall rules, because every child is different and every family has different dynamics. You just have to work out what suits your own circumstances.
Of course I am not a perfect parent myself, but at least I think we can honestly say we have found our own way to raise our children, influenced perhaps by our own upbringings. We try to set a good example in the way that we ourselves behave and the bottom line is that we put the children's needs first.
As simple as that.
Three notable things:
1. Son 1 has spent the whole day out with friends.
2. Son 2 enjoyed his last day at playscheme for this holiday.
3. I did some work today ( just not the bits I was supposed to be doing...)
I have to admit that I have enjoyed watching some of her programmes such as House of Tiny Tearaways, as she has always struck me as a professional with a lot of common sense and empathy. But at the same time I can see the point that some parenting programmes can become rather voyeuristic, in the same manner as shows like those of Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer.
Of course there have always been childcare gurus...my mother was led by Dr Benjamin Spock, I had books by Penelope Leach and Dr Miriam Stoppard. But the amount of parenting advice that is out there now seems excessive. I'm sure there are far more parenting magazines than there were ten years ago and when you add in TV programmes is it any wonder that parents get confused?
Personally, I believe that successful parenting comes from a mix of common sense and listening to your own instincts. There can be no overall rules, because every child is different and every family has different dynamics. You just have to work out what suits your own circumstances.
Of course I am not a perfect parent myself, but at least I think we can honestly say we have found our own way to raise our children, influenced perhaps by our own upbringings. We try to set a good example in the way that we ourselves behave and the bottom line is that we put the children's needs first.
As simple as that.
Three notable things:
1. Son 1 has spent the whole day out with friends.
2. Son 2 enjoyed his last day at playscheme for this holiday.
3. I did some work today ( just not the bits I was supposed to be doing...)
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The path to self-destruction
Drink, drugs, self-harm, domestic violence, there seems to be little that Amy Winehouse is not allegedly involved in. The recent pictures of Amy and her new husband Blake Fielder-Civil, both bloodied and bruised, were shocking yet perhaps not surprising, as her recent performances have been erratic and unreliable...I commented on that at the beginning of the year.
Such a waste of talent. I liked Amy's first album, Frank, but I absolutely adored the latest, Back to Black, which has made her name on both sides of the Atlantic. The girl has the world at her feet if she could just accept help, soon.
Amy's parents-in-law and her father have spoken on the radio this week of the plight of Amy and Blake (click on the links for the transcripts) and there seems to be conflict as to what should be done.
But the truth of the matter is this; Amy and Blake are adults. They have the right to turn down treatment and help, even if doing so ultimately leads to tragedy. Actually even teenagers who are not legally adults cannot be forced to accept treatment they don't want and there is nothing a parent can do about it. The NHS has the right to withdraw services if they are not being accessed consistently. An adult has the right to refuse or to walk out of rehab, and all too many do.
Drink and drugs destroy too many lives, but none of this is new, as Pete Doherty's parents would no doubt tell Amy's. Sometimes all you can do is to sadly stand back and watch them self-destruct.
Three notable things:
1. The crosstrainer arrived at 8am and son 1 has assembled it.
2. I didn't damage the car I nudged into when reversing out of a parking space yesterday...
3. ...and I started to tackle the ironing mountain when I got home!
Such a waste of talent. I liked Amy's first album, Frank, but I absolutely adored the latest, Back to Black, which has made her name on both sides of the Atlantic. The girl has the world at her feet if she could just accept help, soon.
Amy's parents-in-law and her father have spoken on the radio this week of the plight of Amy and Blake (click on the links for the transcripts) and there seems to be conflict as to what should be done.
But the truth of the matter is this; Amy and Blake are adults. They have the right to turn down treatment and help, even if doing so ultimately leads to tragedy. Actually even teenagers who are not legally adults cannot be forced to accept treatment they don't want and there is nothing a parent can do about it. The NHS has the right to withdraw services if they are not being accessed consistently. An adult has the right to refuse or to walk out of rehab, and all too many do.
Drink and drugs destroy too many lives, but none of this is new, as Pete Doherty's parents would no doubt tell Amy's. Sometimes all you can do is to sadly stand back and watch them self-destruct.
Three notable things:
1. The crosstrainer arrived at 8am and son 1 has assembled it.
2. I didn't damage the car I nudged into when reversing out of a parking space yesterday...
3. ...and I started to tackle the ironing mountain when I got home!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
My bank holiday weekend
While everyone else was out enjoying themselves in the sun, I was working on Sunday and Monday. You know, the sort of work you do to pay the bills.
Most of you are probably not aware that I am a qualified accountant. I haven't worked in an accountancy practice for almost 16 years and frankly I have no intention of ever returning, but I do keep my hand in a little by preparing the accounts for my husband's business. He pays me for my work, it is all legitimate and the work is done from home. This means I can work my hours very flexibly around the needs of the boys.
Every year the company's books are audited in September and every year I end up in a mad panic at the end of the summer, working over the bank holiday, tearing my hair out as to whether I can meet the deadline.
Why do I put myself through it? I know when things have to be completed yet somehow there is so often something more important to do. Such as Open University study, unpaid voluntary work or just surfing the internet. All those things which don't pay. Even when I try to clear whole days for work something goes wrong...an unexpected appointment to attend or Hubby forgets to bring the right paperwork home the night before. He works in Central London so I can't easily just rush round to get what I need.
Anyway for the next three weeks or so I will be tapping away on my calculator ( or at least I will when son 2 goes back to school next week.) I will be swearing when the figures don't balance and I may not get on here quite as regularly as usual.
Just doing the accounts will remind me that the part of accountancy I actually enjoyed was getting out and meeting people as an auditor. It was never the figures. It will also reinforce my gut feeling that I am temperamentally much more suited to writing, even if I never make a penny from it.
Three notable things:
1. Finally getting some figures to balance yesterday after spending days thinking perhaps I was going mad.
2. Not having to work today because I spent most of the day being Mum's Taxi service.
3. Persuading Son 1 to go to his therapy today when he didn't really want to, but then his therapist being really pleased with the work they did.
Most of you are probably not aware that I am a qualified accountant. I haven't worked in an accountancy practice for almost 16 years and frankly I have no intention of ever returning, but I do keep my hand in a little by preparing the accounts for my husband's business. He pays me for my work, it is all legitimate and the work is done from home. This means I can work my hours very flexibly around the needs of the boys.
Every year the company's books are audited in September and every year I end up in a mad panic at the end of the summer, working over the bank holiday, tearing my hair out as to whether I can meet the deadline.
Why do I put myself through it? I know when things have to be completed yet somehow there is so often something more important to do. Such as Open University study, unpaid voluntary work or just surfing the internet. All those things which don't pay. Even when I try to clear whole days for work something goes wrong...an unexpected appointment to attend or Hubby forgets to bring the right paperwork home the night before. He works in Central London so I can't easily just rush round to get what I need.
Anyway for the next three weeks or so I will be tapping away on my calculator ( or at least I will when son 2 goes back to school next week.) I will be swearing when the figures don't balance and I may not get on here quite as regularly as usual.
Just doing the accounts will remind me that the part of accountancy I actually enjoyed was getting out and meeting people as an auditor. It was never the figures. It will also reinforce my gut feeling that I am temperamentally much more suited to writing, even if I never make a penny from it.
Three notable things:
1. Finally getting some figures to balance yesterday after spending days thinking perhaps I was going mad.
2. Not having to work today because I spent most of the day being Mum's Taxi service.
3. Persuading Son 1 to go to his therapy today when he didn't really want to, but then his therapist being really pleased with the work they did.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Young adult fiction
I have been thinking about the phenomena of 'young adult' fiction. To be honest I am not sure I really understand what differentiates between young adult, crossover and adult fiction. Is it just the age of the protagonist or is it the style in which it is written? Are some young adult books just dumbed-down fiction aimed at older teenagers with poor literacy skills?
Don't get me wrong, I think there are many great children's/crossover books out there...Jacqueline Wilson, J K Rowling and Meg Rosoff spring to mind for starters as good contemporary authors who would encourage young people to read and I know there are many others I have not even read...Michael Morpurgo, Eoin Colfer etc. I would be very interested to learn more about what publishers consider to be young adult fiction, even though I don't think I am likely to write any myself.
What did I read as a teenager? Certainly there were 'coming of age' stories... the Anne of Green Gables series, I Capture the Castle, Bonjour Tristesse to name a few. But all of these were originally written for a wider general market and none of them were 'contemporary' when I was a teenager in the ...umm...1970's. Then of course there were American classics such as The Catcher in the Rye. I also remember reading The Go-Between, Love for Lydia, some Carson McCullers. The only novel I can actually recall which might have been truly written for the young adult market was called 'Fifteen' by Beverly Cleary, an American writer.
Of course we also read the commercial hits of the day. As a keen rider I enjoyed the Dick Francis racing mysteries. I lapped up Agatha Christie's gentle crime fiction and Dennis Wheatley's occult novels. I loved Anya Seton's wonderfully detailed historical novels. I ploughed through The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, devoured Watership Down and cried over Love Story. I tackled thick sagas by Susan Howatch and read some Catherine Cookson. I think I even read a fair number of the James Bond novels. By the end of my teens I was starting on feminist novels.
Perhaps the scope of my reading was limited by where I grew up...a small isolated town with only a tiny library and just a couple of shops selling paperback books. But I seem to remember that we got our 'teenage' information and entertainment from magazines...the classic Jackie magazine and later Cosmopolitan. We didn't need books written specially for us as well, because we were, on the whole, already mature and educated enough to read adult fiction.
Is the new trend for young adult fiction just a clever marketing trick or is it actually needed to get young people to read at all?
Three notable things:
1. It is warm and sunny today!
2. The garage has been cleaned and tidied, mats are laid on the floor to create the new 'gym' area.
3. A leisurely wander around town this afternoon, finishing with a cold drink in Starbucks.
Don't get me wrong, I think there are many great children's/crossover books out there...Jacqueline Wilson, J K Rowling and Meg Rosoff spring to mind for starters as good contemporary authors who would encourage young people to read and I know there are many others I have not even read...Michael Morpurgo, Eoin Colfer etc. I would be very interested to learn more about what publishers consider to be young adult fiction, even though I don't think I am likely to write any myself.
What did I read as a teenager? Certainly there were 'coming of age' stories... the Anne of Green Gables series, I Capture the Castle, Bonjour Tristesse to name a few. But all of these were originally written for a wider general market and none of them were 'contemporary' when I was a teenager in the ...umm...1970's. Then of course there were American classics such as The Catcher in the Rye. I also remember reading The Go-Between, Love for Lydia, some Carson McCullers. The only novel I can actually recall which might have been truly written for the young adult market was called 'Fifteen' by Beverly Cleary, an American writer.
Of course we also read the commercial hits of the day. As a keen rider I enjoyed the Dick Francis racing mysteries. I lapped up Agatha Christie's gentle crime fiction and Dennis Wheatley's occult novels. I loved Anya Seton's wonderfully detailed historical novels. I ploughed through The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, devoured Watership Down and cried over Love Story. I tackled thick sagas by Susan Howatch and read some Catherine Cookson. I think I even read a fair number of the James Bond novels. By the end of my teens I was starting on feminist novels.
Perhaps the scope of my reading was limited by where I grew up...a small isolated town with only a tiny library and just a couple of shops selling paperback books. But I seem to remember that we got our 'teenage' information and entertainment from magazines...the classic Jackie magazine and later Cosmopolitan. We didn't need books written specially for us as well, because we were, on the whole, already mature and educated enough to read adult fiction.
Is the new trend for young adult fiction just a clever marketing trick or is it actually needed to get young people to read at all?
Three notable things:
1. It is warm and sunny today!
2. The garage has been cleaned and tidied, mats are laid on the floor to create the new 'gym' area.
3. A leisurely wander around town this afternoon, finishing with a cold drink in Starbucks.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Nice Matters
Graeme has nominated me for this Nice Matters blog award. I have to admit I had never seen this one before, so with the help of Google I discovered that it originated here and this is what the originator, Genevieve Olsen, has to say about it:
This award will be awarded to those that are just nice people , good blog friends and those that inspire good feelings and inspiration! Those that care about others that are there to lend support or those that are just a positive influence in our blogging world!
Wow, I'm flattered that Graeme thinks I deserve it! Now, who to pass it on to?
I can honestly say that the writers of all the blogs that I read regularly are equally deserving of this award. After a lot of thought, I have decided to nominate the lovely Sue at Tea, Friends and Chocolate, who runs a multi-sectioned blog for women which is just like meeting up with your best friends. She even welcomes other writers penning columns or entries for her blog and I'm sure it will continue to grow as a blogging community.
Step up to accept your well-deserved award, Sue!
Three notable things:
1. Surviving another week of the school holiday...
2. ... and there is only one more week to get through.
3. Being given another blog award!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Mind your language
I was commenting on Keris' blog earlier, when I was reminded of something amusing which happened recently.
Every Saturday morning during term time Son 2 goes to music therapy. Usually both Hubby and I take him together. Now to appreciate this, you have to realise that Son 2 is 13, severely autistic and nonverbal, except for the occasional utterance of 'Daddy'.
Anyway, this particular Saturday morning was very wet. We were in Hubby's car and Son 2 kept opening the window, a new habit of his. He is not supposed to for safety reasons of course, but especially not on a day like that when the wind was blowing the rain into the car through the glassless space.
He opened the window. Hubby pulled in and stopped the car until the window was shut. We set off and about 3 minutes later he opened the window again. We stopped. This pattern continued 4 or 5 times until we were not far from our destination. The window was finally closed yet again, son 2's fun spoilt. Hubby pulled out into the traffic, to the accompaniment of a barrage of 'jargon' ( not clear words) from Son 2, which sounded very much like a string of verbal abuse, ending in the clear word 'Daddy'!
How normal is that for a teenager?
Three notable things:
1. Not doing any paid accountancy work today, but having the excuse that I was chauffeuring the boys around for much of the day.
2. Shopping at Waitrose for a treat!
3. Getting a phone call to say Son 1's crosstrainer will arrive next week.
Every Saturday morning during term time Son 2 goes to music therapy. Usually both Hubby and I take him together. Now to appreciate this, you have to realise that Son 2 is 13, severely autistic and nonverbal, except for the occasional utterance of 'Daddy'.
Anyway, this particular Saturday morning was very wet. We were in Hubby's car and Son 2 kept opening the window, a new habit of his. He is not supposed to for safety reasons of course, but especially not on a day like that when the wind was blowing the rain into the car through the glassless space.
He opened the window. Hubby pulled in and stopped the car until the window was shut. We set off and about 3 minutes later he opened the window again. We stopped. This pattern continued 4 or 5 times until we were not far from our destination. The window was finally closed yet again, son 2's fun spoilt. Hubby pulled out into the traffic, to the accompaniment of a barrage of 'jargon' ( not clear words) from Son 2, which sounded very much like a string of verbal abuse, ending in the clear word 'Daddy'!
How normal is that for a teenager?
Three notable things:
1. Not doing any paid accountancy work today, but having the excuse that I was chauffeuring the boys around for much of the day.
2. Shopping at Waitrose for a treat!
3. Getting a phone call to say Son 1's crosstrainer will arrive next week.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Love it!
I was feeling rather serious this morning and had planned to write something completely different, but having had a friend around for a good gossip this afternoon, I thought I just had to show you this picture I took on my visit to Devon.
The name is so perfect for the sleepy retirement resort in which it is situated!
Three notable things:
1. Winning 115 kids videos and a tv/video combi for £20 on eBay, which Hubby collected yesterday. Son 2 is in his element...
2. Enjoying the company of a good friend and her daughter.
3. Graeme showing the OU A215 survivors yet another addictive computer game to act as a displacement activity when we should be writing...
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Male or female?
Still on the gender theme, here is a bit of fun.
I discovered the Gender Genie web page recently ( sorry, I can't remember who led me to it...) and having bookmarked it, I decided to have a go today. It claims to be able to deduce whether a piece of prose was written by a male or female from the language used.
So I entered in one of my blog entries: male. Hmm.
A small ( admittedly smaller than the recommended 500 word) passage from my novel in progress: androgynous...equally male and female!
A whole 2000 word short story, written with the women's magazine market in mind: female. Phew!
Three notable things:
1. Son 2 was well enough to go to playscheme despite having vomited all over the sofa last night! I knew we bought leather furniture for a reason...
2. Arranging for a friend to visit tomorrow so we can catch up on the gossip.
3. A home delivery arriving promptly for once, rather than 10 minutes before the end of the delivery window.
I discovered the Gender Genie web page recently ( sorry, I can't remember who led me to it...) and having bookmarked it, I decided to have a go today. It claims to be able to deduce whether a piece of prose was written by a male or female from the language used.
So I entered in one of my blog entries: male. Hmm.
A small ( admittedly smaller than the recommended 500 word) passage from my novel in progress: androgynous...equally male and female!
A whole 2000 word short story, written with the women's magazine market in mind: female. Phew!
Three notable things:
1. Son 2 was well enough to go to playscheme despite having vomited all over the sofa last night! I knew we bought leather furniture for a reason...
2. Arranging for a friend to visit tomorrow so we can catch up on the gossip.
3. A home delivery arriving promptly for once, rather than 10 minutes before the end of the delivery window.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Gender wars
I keep wondering why women aren't allowed to write, or read, what they want to.
First of all Muriel Gray, in her role as chair of the Orange Prize judges, criticized women for not writing a wide enough range of fiction and for concentrating on domestic themes.
Then Ian Rankin noted last year that women, especially lesbian women, wrote more graphically violent crime fiction than men. The reponse from Val McDermid at Edinburgh this month led to this uncharacteristically lurid headline in The Times this week.
I have always enjoyed crime fiction and apparently women are the largest group reading this genre. Women get criticized for reading and writing chick lit, but whilst I would defend anyone's right to do so, there are also many of us writing and reading more broadly. Science fiction, fantasy, crime all have many women authors and fans. In any case 'women's fiction' covers a much wider range than just chick lit. Romance, sagas, historical, family stories, gritty contemporary themes...they are all there too.
You can't have it both ways. Why shouldn't women write violent crime? After all some men write romances and sagas, they just tend to do so under a female pseudonym. And since when has a sexuality of a crime writer, whether male or female, had anything to do with anything?
Three notable things:
1. The X-Factor is back!
2. Hubby and son 1 started to tidy out the garage ready to house the crosstrainer I have just ordered.
3. They found a box of to-be-read books I had forgotten about!
First of all Muriel Gray, in her role as chair of the Orange Prize judges, criticized women for not writing a wide enough range of fiction and for concentrating on domestic themes.
Then Ian Rankin noted last year that women, especially lesbian women, wrote more graphically violent crime fiction than men. The reponse from Val McDermid at Edinburgh this month led to this uncharacteristically lurid headline in The Times this week.
I have always enjoyed crime fiction and apparently women are the largest group reading this genre. Women get criticized for reading and writing chick lit, but whilst I would defend anyone's right to do so, there are also many of us writing and reading more broadly. Science fiction, fantasy, crime all have many women authors and fans. In any case 'women's fiction' covers a much wider range than just chick lit. Romance, sagas, historical, family stories, gritty contemporary themes...they are all there too.
You can't have it both ways. Why shouldn't women write violent crime? After all some men write romances and sagas, they just tend to do so under a female pseudonym. And since when has a sexuality of a crime writer, whether male or female, had anything to do with anything?
Three notable things:
1. The X-Factor is back!
2. Hubby and son 1 started to tidy out the garage ready to house the crosstrainer I have just ordered.
3. They found a box of to-be-read books I had forgotten about!
Friday, August 17, 2007
The weaker sex?
This is going to be a serious post, because last night I heard some bad news. The husband of an acquaintance has had a breakdown, after suffering from depression for a long time.
This was particularly sad, because this couple have three young children, one of whom is autistic. It was also devastating because it was the second friend who has suffered that experience in just a few years, another having been left as a single mother to four children, one autistic.
Earlier this week I mentioned Charlotte Moore's book George and Sam which chronicles life with two autistic sons...and a third who doesn't have autism. Her ex-husband too, suffered serious mental health issues.
It is interesting that in each of these cases it is the father who has suffered the most and I wondered why. When you discover your child is not 'normal', whatever that means, there is always a period of grieving to go through, grief for the child you once expected. Denial is a normal and recognised part of that. Some parents get through the stage of denial and on to the all important acceptance of the child and the problem much faster than others. Some never quite make it.
Mothers still tend to be the primary providers of childcare. This has good and bad sides. They are more involved with the professionals working with their children and therefore tend to be more knowledgeable about what help is on offer and what needs to be done to get it, as sadly we have to fight for that help only too often. They probably have more opportunities to meet other parents in the same position. I am sure it is no coincidence that our support group coffee mornings are almost exclusively attended by mums. On the other hand, they probably have far more exposure to 'normally' developing children and the comparison with their own offspring can be very painful.
Fathers tend to suffer alone. They may be ashamed to tell friends and work colleagues about their child's problems. They just don't have the same external support networks as we do. They may feel inadequate because this, unlike a DIY task, is not something they can put right and they may be struggling to keep the family afloat financially on one salary. They may be embarrassed to be seen with their child and are perhaps more likely to be influenced by cultural attitudes to disability.
Part of motherhood, for most women, is putting your child's needs before your own. We tend to have a primeval instinct to look after our children and accept the compromises that can involve. If we feel we are not coping we are more likely to consult our GP. Many women with special needs children are, or have been, on anti-depressants and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Men, on the other hand, may just adopt what I call the 'head in the sand' approach, that if you don't acknowledge something it will go away. Perhaps they really are the weaker sex because they can't ease the burden by sharing as women do.
I'm clutching at straws here. I don't know the answer. I just know that in this respect I have so far been lucky, unlike my two friends who are now struggling to cope with their children effectively alone.
Three notable things will return next time!
This was particularly sad, because this couple have three young children, one of whom is autistic. It was also devastating because it was the second friend who has suffered that experience in just a few years, another having been left as a single mother to four children, one autistic.
Earlier this week I mentioned Charlotte Moore's book George and Sam which chronicles life with two autistic sons...and a third who doesn't have autism. Her ex-husband too, suffered serious mental health issues.
It is interesting that in each of these cases it is the father who has suffered the most and I wondered why. When you discover your child is not 'normal', whatever that means, there is always a period of grieving to go through, grief for the child you once expected. Denial is a normal and recognised part of that. Some parents get through the stage of denial and on to the all important acceptance of the child and the problem much faster than others. Some never quite make it.
Mothers still tend to be the primary providers of childcare. This has good and bad sides. They are more involved with the professionals working with their children and therefore tend to be more knowledgeable about what help is on offer and what needs to be done to get it, as sadly we have to fight for that help only too often. They probably have more opportunities to meet other parents in the same position. I am sure it is no coincidence that our support group coffee mornings are almost exclusively attended by mums. On the other hand, they probably have far more exposure to 'normally' developing children and the comparison with their own offspring can be very painful.
Fathers tend to suffer alone. They may be ashamed to tell friends and work colleagues about their child's problems. They just don't have the same external support networks as we do. They may feel inadequate because this, unlike a DIY task, is not something they can put right and they may be struggling to keep the family afloat financially on one salary. They may be embarrassed to be seen with their child and are perhaps more likely to be influenced by cultural attitudes to disability.
Part of motherhood, for most women, is putting your child's needs before your own. We tend to have a primeval instinct to look after our children and accept the compromises that can involve. If we feel we are not coping we are more likely to consult our GP. Many women with special needs children are, or have been, on anti-depressants and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Men, on the other hand, may just adopt what I call the 'head in the sand' approach, that if you don't acknowledge something it will go away. Perhaps they really are the weaker sex because they can't ease the burden by sharing as women do.
I'm clutching at straws here. I don't know the answer. I just know that in this respect I have so far been lucky, unlike my two friends who are now struggling to cope with their children effectively alone.
Three notable things will return next time!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Do you want to know a secret?
I've already written here about PostSecret, a blog I try to check every week. A community art project, consisting of weekly postings of postcards which anonymously disclose deep secrets, it is an amazing source of inspiration for writing. Especially if, like me, your writing tends to focus on gritty rather than light and fluffy subject matter.
This week I logged on, to find that the blog now has this YouTube video trailer:
A closer look at YouTube finds even more, presumably unofficial, videos based on former PostSecret blog entries. Enjoy.
(video removed)
Three notable things:
1. Son 1 has started to open up to professionals about the bullying that has ruined his life.
2. We have been looking online for gym equipment, as we hope to convert part of our garage into a home gym to help him get fit again.
3. Finding PostSecret based videos on YouTube. Now why didn't I think to look there before?
This week I logged on, to find that the blog now has this YouTube video trailer:
A closer look at YouTube finds even more, presumably unofficial, videos based on former PostSecret blog entries. Enjoy.
(video removed)
Three notable things:
1. Son 1 has started to open up to professionals about the bullying that has ruined his life.
2. We have been looking online for gym equipment, as we hope to convert part of our garage into a home gym to help him get fit again.
3. Finding PostSecret based videos on YouTube. Now why didn't I think to look there before?
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Quiet
Sorry, I don't have much of interest to write about at the moment. We are all feeling a little under the weather and very tired.
Yesterday son 2 had a longer day on playscheme, as they went out on a trip (shame about the rain!) After food shopping, I just couldn't face doing anything much and mainly lazed around until it was time to collect him again...
I have, however, taken delivery of a few more books from Amazon, including Electricity by Ray Robinson which looks interesting and The Complete Polysyllabic Spree by Nick Hornby. As you may know, Nick Hornby also has an autistic son, and I was interested to read his comments on why he rarely reads biographical books on autism (p39 if you have the Penguin paperback) as it so reflects my own feelings. So many books just look at the story of an autistic savant ( with special talents) or tell the story of a family who has discovered a 'miracle cure'. Real life for 99% of families is not like that. He did, however, enjoy 'George and Sam' by Charlotte Moore, as did I. Although I am not convinced by the ABA approach used by Charlotte Moore and indeed Nick Hornby with their children, the book is an entertaining and convincing picture of living with autism.
Three notable things:
1. Agreeing with Nick Hornby about many books on autism!
2. Son 1 sorting out his own appointments and starting to take charge of his life.
3. More wool arriving in the post yesterday...
Yesterday son 2 had a longer day on playscheme, as they went out on a trip (shame about the rain!) After food shopping, I just couldn't face doing anything much and mainly lazed around until it was time to collect him again...
I have, however, taken delivery of a few more books from Amazon, including Electricity by Ray Robinson which looks interesting and The Complete Polysyllabic Spree by Nick Hornby. As you may know, Nick Hornby also has an autistic son, and I was interested to read his comments on why he rarely reads biographical books on autism (p39 if you have the Penguin paperback) as it so reflects my own feelings. So many books just look at the story of an autistic savant ( with special talents) or tell the story of a family who has discovered a 'miracle cure'. Real life for 99% of families is not like that. He did, however, enjoy 'George and Sam' by Charlotte Moore, as did I. Although I am not convinced by the ABA approach used by Charlotte Moore and indeed Nick Hornby with their children, the book is an entertaining and convincing picture of living with autism.
Three notable things:
1. Agreeing with Nick Hornby about many books on autism!
2. Son 1 sorting out his own appointments and starting to take charge of his life.
3. More wool arriving in the post yesterday...
Monday, August 13, 2007
Weekend creativity
Just to prove that I can have some pretension to my new creative blogger award, here is a picture of the scarf I am knitting, which currently measures about 30 inches (75cm) long.
I found a free pattern for the feather and fan design on the web and although it looks complicated it is actually very easy to knit! For those who understand these things it is a simple pattern over four rows, knitted in hand-dyed BFL sock wool on 4.5mm needles.
Three notable things:
1. The speed at which the knitting is growing.
2. Finishing the Anita Shreve book I was reading on and off. One of her best, I thought.
3. Keeping both boys reasonably happy all day today (so far)!
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Another poem
Some new work has recently been posted on WikidWords, including another of my poems which you can find here. That poem was inspired by the research I have done on mental health issues in young people, both for my recently ended Open University course and for family reasons, and also by a true story I was recently told.
Three notable things:
1.Surprisingly, Tesco was not too busy on a Saturday morning - so it was easy to park!
2. Enjoying walking round the shops in town without feeling the need to spend money on myself. Not even on a magazine.
3. I've started my knitting.
Three notable things:
1.Surprisingly, Tesco was not too busy on a Saturday morning - so it was easy to park!
2. Enjoying walking round the shops in town without feeling the need to spend money on myself. Not even on a magazine.
3. I've started my knitting.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
A new look
I was reading a post on the Open University writing forums earlier today about how writing on screen is more restful to read when it is not stark black on white. I immediately thought about this blog and whether it could do with a facelift.
The OU used to run a short course about writing for the internet, which I really wanted to take. I had planned to do it this year, but sadly it seems to have been discontinued. Just my luck. So I will have to carry on picking up tips from others and experimenting.
What do you think of the new look? I have actually only made two changes but I am pleased with the result, it does seem softer. Please let me know how you find it to read.
Three notable things:
1. Playing around with the colours on my blog.
2. Buying and reading a magazine when I should have been doing housework.
3. Reading Anita Shreve's 'A Wedding in December' and wondering what it would be like to have a reunion with some old university friends I haven't seen for many, many years.
The OU used to run a short course about writing for the internet, which I really wanted to take. I had planned to do it this year, but sadly it seems to have been discontinued. Just my luck. So I will have to carry on picking up tips from others and experimenting.
What do you think of the new look? I have actually only made two changes but I am pleased with the result, it does seem softer. Please let me know how you find it to read.
Three notable things:
1. Playing around with the colours on my blog.
2. Buying and reading a magazine when I should have been doing housework.
3. Reading Anita Shreve's 'A Wedding in December' and wondering what it would be like to have a reunion with some old university friends I haven't seen for many, many years.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Booker longlist
The longlist for this year's Booker Prize has just been announced. I've read only one of them, What was Lost, though I do also want to read the McEwan, as I have enjoyed what I have read of his work so far.
I was interested in this article, and in particular this quote:
Last night the chair of judges, Sir Howard Davies, said: "All the books chosen are well crafted and will appeal to a wide readership." Sir Howard is director of the London School of Economics.
I'm glad that the books chosen should appeal to a wide readership because being well written and being accessible to the general reader should not be mutually exclusive. That is one of my pet topics I'm afraid. I don't like overly dry or intellectual books but at the same time I do find that quite a lot of popular fiction can be simplistic and poorly written.
'What was Lost' was entertaining and definitely well crafted, yet also remarkably easy to read. It has received very good blog reviews, such as this one by dovegreyreader and has been described by some as a crossover novel with appeal to both the adult and young adult markets in the manner of Meg Rosoff and JK Rowling.
I am ashamed to say I haven't even heard of the rest of the longlist. Ho hum!
Three notable things:
1. Hearing the singer Jack Savoretti, a singer new to me, on TV yesterday and later downloading his album cheaply.
2. An interesting conversation with son 1's therapist yesterday.
3. Finding that the magnetic bracelet, recently bought to help my arthritis, actually seems to be having a beneficial effect on my mood and is making me feel calmer. Not an easy achievement during school holiday.
I was interested in this article, and in particular this quote:
Last night the chair of judges, Sir Howard Davies, said: "All the books chosen are well crafted and will appeal to a wide readership." Sir Howard is director of the London School of Economics.
I'm glad that the books chosen should appeal to a wide readership because being well written and being accessible to the general reader should not be mutually exclusive. That is one of my pet topics I'm afraid. I don't like overly dry or intellectual books but at the same time I do find that quite a lot of popular fiction can be simplistic and poorly written.
'What was Lost' was entertaining and definitely well crafted, yet also remarkably easy to read. It has received very good blog reviews, such as this one by dovegreyreader and has been described by some as a crossover novel with appeal to both the adult and young adult markets in the manner of Meg Rosoff and JK Rowling.
I am ashamed to say I haven't even heard of the rest of the longlist. Ho hum!
Three notable things:
1. Hearing the singer Jack Savoretti, a singer new to me, on TV yesterday and later downloading his album cheaply.
2. An interesting conversation with son 1's therapist yesterday.
3. Finding that the magnetic bracelet, recently bought to help my arthritis, actually seems to be having a beneficial effect on my mood and is making me feel calmer. Not an easy achievement during school holiday.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Oh my!
Hellojed has nominated me for a creative blogger award! How exciting is that?
So now it is my turn to award it to five people. After a really difficult decision-making process, because you, my favourite bloggers, are all so creative, I have come up with the following:
1. Anne Brooke, because Anne blogs with humour and brutal honesty about her life and the highs and lows of being a writer. It is a must-read for me every day and I think right now an award would cheer her up.
2.Three Beautiful Things. The concept of Clare's blog is so simple yet also profound. It has spawned many imitators (all welcomed) including my own three notable things. Now she has won a literary competition and the blog is going to become a loo book!
3.Nerd Bunny, who seems to be able to turn her hands to so many creative crafts and posts the results on her blog for us all to enjoy.
4.The fabulous Rilly Super at Strife in the North, whose blog never fails to make me laugh, simply because it is such a clever parody of the Wife in the North blog, which I also enjoy.
5.Last, but not least, I would like to nominate my wonderfully talented fellow OU A215 creative writing students of last year, many of whom also now blog. There are far too many to mention individually, so I shall give the award to WikidWords and hope that Jude will accept it on behalf of those writers represented there and those elsewhere.
Three notable things:
1. Winning a blog award. Thanks Hellojed!
2. Choosing five more creative blogs to receive the award.
3. Oh and did I already say winning a blog award?
Monday, August 06, 2007
The postman's knock
I needed a little treat today after son 2 decided to start my day at 5.30am. So I was pleased when my sari silk yarns from eBay arrived in the post. They are very pretty but unfortunately I think they are probably too thick for the purpose I had in mind. Still they will not go to waste. I will either think of somthing else to knit or crochet with them, something chunkier, or I will use them in my papercrafting.
Then mid-morning the doorbell rang and a parcel from The Book People was handed over. Some reference books and a pile of sale priced fiction. So if you'll excuse me I am off for a quick read...
Three notable things:
1. The beautiful weather over the weekend, though it was actually too hot whilst ironing yesterday.
2. A refreshing mango drink in Starbucks on Saturday afternoon.
3. Receiving our child tax credits notification and realising that they have got it wrong yet again, even though they have been informed of a change in circumstances twice already. Fortunately it is unlikely to make any difference to what we get paid, but the tax credits people must rival the Child Support Agency for incompetence!
Thursday, August 02, 2007
What have I done now...?
Yesterday I got a sudden urge to knit or crochet something. I'm not sure why, I have never been a good knitter and I haven't crocheted for years.
I was stuck in all day, so whilst surfing around eBay I started to look at some hand dyed yarns. Very pretty. But what could I do with them?
Years ago, whilst spending the year abroad of my degree in Germany, where knitting was more fashionable than it was in the UK, I knitted a couple of sweaters. They were very basic, but the wool was fluffy and soft-coloured. They were wearable, at least for a student.
Pregnant with son 1, I knitted a few baby items. Even my mother, who is not known for her needle skills, picked up her pins and produced some much needed premature-sized cardigans. But it was my clever sister who came up trumps with the most beautiful and complex knitted heirloom baby shawl.
When son 1 was small I knitted a few trendy jackets for him in primary-coloured baby aran, but by the time son 2 came along I had no time. I knitted nothing further until two years ago, when I picked up a kit for a very simple fluffy scarf. I started it during our family holiday in Devon, but son 2 kept pulling it back faster than I could knit. It was never finished as the wool became rather mangled.
I was up until 1am last night looking for patterns on the web. This morning I succumbed and ordered some of the hand dyed wools. This evening I have ordered some yarn created from recycled sari silk which I hope will blend in. Not large quantities of either, but hopefully enough to create a scarf.
But don't hold your breath.This wool may just end up clogging up the spare bedroom with the rest of my craft stash...
Three notable things:
1. Ordering some colourful yarns to indulge my creative urges and experiment with.
2. Working out why I could not get the symbol writing computer program to do what I wanted (I use it to produce communication cards for Son 2.)
3. Reading a lovely description of the challenges and joys of living with an autistic child on Crystal Jigsaw's blog.
I was stuck in all day, so whilst surfing around eBay I started to look at some hand dyed yarns. Very pretty. But what could I do with them?
Years ago, whilst spending the year abroad of my degree in Germany, where knitting was more fashionable than it was in the UK, I knitted a couple of sweaters. They were very basic, but the wool was fluffy and soft-coloured. They were wearable, at least for a student.
Pregnant with son 1, I knitted a few baby items. Even my mother, who is not known for her needle skills, picked up her pins and produced some much needed premature-sized cardigans. But it was my clever sister who came up trumps with the most beautiful and complex knitted heirloom baby shawl.
When son 1 was small I knitted a few trendy jackets for him in primary-coloured baby aran, but by the time son 2 came along I had no time. I knitted nothing further until two years ago, when I picked up a kit for a very simple fluffy scarf. I started it during our family holiday in Devon, but son 2 kept pulling it back faster than I could knit. It was never finished as the wool became rather mangled.
I was up until 1am last night looking for patterns on the web. This morning I succumbed and ordered some of the hand dyed wools. This evening I have ordered some yarn created from recycled sari silk which I hope will blend in. Not large quantities of either, but hopefully enough to create a scarf.
But don't hold your breath.This wool may just end up clogging up the spare bedroom with the rest of my craft stash...
Three notable things:
1. Ordering some colourful yarns to indulge my creative urges and experiment with.
2. Working out why I could not get the symbol writing computer program to do what I wanted (I use it to produce communication cards for Son 2.)
3. Reading a lovely description of the challenges and joys of living with an autistic child on Crystal Jigsaw's blog.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Summer fun?
It must be summer at last. The sun is shining and the blogs are quiet. Friends are away on their summer holidays. Our wi-fi has been playing up over the last few days as if to say you should be out enjoying yourself rather than stuck inside on the computer.
Son 1 and I have just been watching a piece on the BBC London news about why kids don't play outside in the park anymore.
'We would hang out in the parks if there weren't drug dealers in each one,' he said.
Three notable things:
1. Son 2 waking us up at 4.45 am yesterday! (Though he did go back to bed)
2. Son 1 and his mates having the sense to stay away from the drug pushers.
3. Not receiving any bills in the post for the last few days!
Son 1 and I have just been watching a piece on the BBC London news about why kids don't play outside in the park anymore.
'We would hang out in the parks if there weren't drug dealers in each one,' he said.
Three notable things:
1. Son 2 waking us up at 4.45 am yesterday! (Though he did go back to bed)
2. Son 1 and his mates having the sense to stay away from the drug pushers.
3. Not receiving any bills in the post for the last few days!
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